Monday, October 23, 2006

Hate.Anger

Hate.Anger.Depression. Can there be any worse a confluence of emotions than these three?But that is what is raging within my insides and my mind now. It makes me numb at times. My mind becomes frozen with hate. I know. It may be unreasonable and downright stupid. But why do i have a feeling that i have a right to it? That somewhere along the line, i was played with? Yesterday, in the pure torture for 2 and a frickin half hours of the so called mock CAT, as i was sitting there with nothing to do, my mind was suddenly overflowing with the confluence of these three emotions.. Rage overpowered me fo rsome time. But, like everything else in life, this too shall pass. Or i hope it will. Everybody has a reason for their actions. I hope i will understand them at a later phase of my life. Because, at the end of the day, i want to forgive and forget. Or maybe, be forgiven. I dont know. Maybe i was also wrong. I probably was, actually. Still...

A phrase given at the beginning of that classic saga, 'The Thorn Birds', comes to mind. Although i do not remember enough toreproduce it verbatim here, it talks of a bird, which from the moment it is born, keeps flyimg till it finds the perfect thorn on which it will impale itself. Once it does, it gives out its wail of agony, which is supposed to be the most beautiful sound heard across the land. We are like that at times. We know beforehand that doing something may crush us. But we still do it. And we still live on...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Faith!

Faith.. One word which can mean a lot. I have always wondered at the power it has to lift up seemingly shattered souls. Especially that of the religious nature. Religious faith is something which i myself have never been able to fathom, atleast up til now. That does not mean that i scorn or do not advocate it. I guess i just feel disillusioned at the nature of disharmony religion seems to be causing everywher, that it seems more of a pain than a boon.(And im not talking about just violence or riots. Issues begin at grassroot level. Things like families not allowing people to be together on account of caste or race. It does seem to be enough to take away the faith in these matters for any decent open minded soul. And the funny thing is, a lot of the youth still believe parents are right in these kind of issues!)

But..i marvel at times...even envy sometimes, at how people seem to just be able to talk to God. At the absolute harmony they seem to find in praying and sharing their troubles. It actually seems to lighten their hearts in times of distress. I donot remember the last time i opened up my mind and prayed. Not because i do not believe in a divine power, but because i have never been able to establish a form of communication or faith. And at times, i wish i had the faith. Like now. Times when i feel utterly despondent and when life seems to be flowing away in an aimless river.

Sometimes i do wonder...will i ever be able to get that peace of inner mind.. or will these emotional demons keep following me?

Maybe one day, even i will find my faith and fall on my knees and pray. Til then, i probably will not set foot in a place of worship..

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Anger

Anger...Its a very unhealthy emotion. So they say.. But is it? Right now, i am filled with so much of it that i dont know wher the line that divides love and hate blurs. Both are very strong emotions. Sometimes i feel they can even overlap...sounds dumb? I dont think so. Because, i can feel it.
Coming back to anger... I am supposed to hav a lot of work right now, but this emotion is clutching at my insides...and spreading...and you know what. I dont actually mind it so much. Almost as if it is willing me to press forward. Oh, if you are wondering who or wat i am angry at....keep wondering!! ;-)

But, believe me...it aint such a bad thing...at times...