Hate.Anger

Hate.Anger.Depression. Can there be any worse a confluence of emotions than these three?But that is what is raging within my insides and my mind now. It makes me numb at times. My mind becomes frozen with hate. I know. It may be unreasonable and downright stupid. But why do i have a feeling that i have a right to it? That somewhere along the line, i was played with? Yesterday, in the pure torture for 2 and a frickin half hours of the so called mock CAT, as i was sitting there with nothing to do, my mind was suddenly overflowing with the confluence of these three emotions.. Rage overpowered me fo rsome time. But, like everything else in life, this too shall pass. Or i hope it will. Everybody has a reason for their actions. I hope i will understand them at a later phase of my life. Because, at the end of the day, i want to forgive and forget. Or maybe, be forgiven. I dont know. Maybe i was also wrong. I probably was, actually. Still...

A phrase given at the beginning of that classic saga, 'The Thorn Birds', comes to mind. Although i do not remember enough toreproduce it verbatim here, it talks of a bird, which from the moment it is born, keeps flyimg till it finds the perfect thorn on which it will impale itself. Once it does, it gives out its wail of agony, which is supposed to be the most beautiful sound heard across the land. We are like that at times. We know beforehand that doing something may crush us. But we still do it. And we still live on...

Faith!

Faith.. One word which can mean a lot. I have always wondered at the power it has to lift up seemingly shattered souls. Especially that of the religious nature. Religious faith is something which i myself have never been able to fathom, atleast up til now. That does not mean that i scorn or do not advocate it. I guess i just feel disillusioned at the nature of disharmony religion seems to be causing everywher, that it seems more of a pain than a boon.(And im not talking about just violence or riots. Issues begin at grassroot level. Things like families not allowing people to be together on account of caste or race. It does seem to be enough to take away the faith in these matters for any decent open minded soul. And the funny thing is, a lot of the youth still believe parents are right in these kind of issues!)

But..i marvel at times...even envy sometimes, at how people seem to just be able to talk to God. At the absolute harmony they seem to find in praying and sharing their troubles. It actually seems to lighten their hearts in times of distress. I donot remember the last time i opened up my mind and prayed. Not because i do not believe in a divine power, but because i have never been able to establish a form of communication or faith. And at times, i wish i had the faith. Like now. Times when i feel utterly despondent and when life seems to be flowing away in an aimless river.

Sometimes i do wonder...will i ever be able to get that peace of inner mind.. or will these emotional demons keep following me?

Maybe one day, even i will find my faith and fall on my knees and pray. Til then, i probably will not set foot in a place of worship..

Anger

Anger...Its a very unhealthy emotion. So they say.. But is it? Right now, i am filled with so much of it that i dont know wher the line that divides love and hate blurs. Both are very strong emotions. Sometimes i feel they can even overlap...sounds dumb? I dont think so. Because, i can feel it.
Coming back to anger... I am supposed to hav a lot of work right now, but this emotion is clutching at my insides...and spreading...and you know what. I dont actually mind it so much. Almost as if it is willing me to press forward. Oh, if you are wondering who or wat i am angry at....keep wondering!! ;-)

But, believe me...it aint such a bad thing...at times...

Boulevard!!

I walk a lonely road
The only one that i have ever know

Dont know where it goes
But its only me and I walk alone
I walk alone I walk alone

My shadow is he only one
that walks beside me

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Aha
aha

I am walking down the line

Read between the lines
Whats fucked up and everything is allright

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadows the only one

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
I walk this empty Street
on the boulevard of broken dreams

My shadow is the only one
who walks beside me

My shallow hearts the only one things that beating

Till then I walk alone

---- Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day...

This song has got to be my favorite these days...Just love the theme and spirit of the song

Mondays!!!

Mondays.....no matter how much u try to stay away...they keep comin back at ya..For some time now, the monday blues have been affectin me quite a bit. Dunno whether its just because of my present disillusionments or just coz im plain startin to get sick of office... That feelin in the pit of my stomach has stil not gone away. Though these days, strangely, it seems to have receded at least a tiny wee bit..The only worry i have is that i feel like havin a smoke every mornin wen i get up. It seems to lessen that sinking feelin. But that is not good now, is it? Letting ur mental well being depend upon a stick of tobacco with 'a fool at one end and smoke at the other' (so they say...what do they know??)
But then again, like it says in Shantaram...' When anyone asks me why i smoke...I smoke because like everyone else in the world who smokes, i want to die atleast as much as i want to live' (anther one of my favorites...cant seem to get over that book...i think i gotta devote an entire post just to it...)
But, then again, why is that sinking feeling diminishing? Nothing has really happened...Or is it that i am unconsciously letting go? Finally..i dunno... All i know is that its not the way i want it to end.. This will probably have lifelong repercussions for me. I think i have been scarred by this in a way that i really cant explain....

Well....since certain cartoons around here(namely Rivas(a.k.a privatesofthecarribean.blogspot.com(check it out)) have broken my very intellectual train of thoughts, i gez il be signin off here..)

Pain is a very strong emotion.. It keeps clawing at your insides until you feel like your falling into an abyssfrom which you cannot get out of..Much the same way as jealousy..another emotion, i feel, which clings to your insides and spreads itself out, till you just cant think straight and all rationality takes a beating.
As for pain, when it is coupled with desire so strong for something you want but, for reasons you just cannot explain, you can never get. The emptiness which fills you is so strong that nothing else just seems to matter. It becomes hard to really smile for anything andeach morning you wake up to, a feeling of butterflies strangely fills the pit of your stomach.It is something which i have faced before. But these days, the nights have become breeding grounds for weird dreams, with all sorts of characters flitting in and out, and i wake up to a feeling of impending doom. Desperately trying to get away from the root cause of my predicament, there are times when i think i am succeeding, only to realise im back to square one. In the end, i guess the reason for this is because of the fact that im probably running away from it. Running away never really works. Unless you can get to a state of complete peace of mind, salvation is far off...

Happiness!!!!

'Happiness is an Unproductive Imagination'...

This has been a quote which has fascinated me for a long time. Ever since i saw it during those good ol' schooldays (funny how everyone seems to think they'r so 'good ol'' once u move on, though they may actually hav never been so 'good ol'' in reality!).. The Chicane video..with Bryan Adams gruff vocals..'Dont give up'.. (A pretty good track,btw)...

Something worth pondering over, i felt...i have repeated it a number of times to various pals, old and new, however, in never more than a light hearted vein..

Happiness, to me, has always seemed the state that everyone searches for, from time immemorial.. Like thy say in that dream of a book, 'Shantaram', 'the search for a truth greater than our own'..(although i gez he was actually talking bout love there).. but then again, arent love and happiness interdependant? Love does that to you. It can build up your emotions to a crescendo...then bring you crashin down all over again. Which is the main reason i try to figure it ut...is Happiness an Unproductive imagination???' After all, its just a state of mind, which is as transient as the next..

Talkin bout love, a statement my best buddy once made about it comes to mind..'Love is like Dope..It gives you a high, but then you get addicted to it'... dunno if it was original, or if he got it from somewhere..but boy, what a way to put things in perspective...(Yep, u got it rite...we both were comin out of a bad experience with members of the opposite sex at the time...a wonder how ppl can become great poets and philosophers wen they'v just been failed by love!!)

Seems that happiness can be different for different people...like they say, 'one mans floor is another mans ceiling',..but then, it basically comes down to the same thing...its just a state of mind which can vanish in an instant...although we can always keep tryin to convince ourselves that we are actually happy...

Or maybe, im just basically a sad guy..Dunno...but ive had enuff of happy talk for a day...signin off...

Dipsic...totally..

Well...been a long time since i wanted to find a place to jot down all the incoherent ramblings that keep passing back and forth in my mind.. I've always felt for a long time that there are actually two of us inside ma mind...and they seem to love to keep chattering on and on to each other. Now i can vent the frustration these two characters cause me in this space!!

Coming to the name...dipsicdude...since the inspiration behind this name(and this blog) is that philosopher and spiritual leader par excellence, Rivas, i thought il say somethin about one of his other ideas...probably an idea u hav come across plenty of times b4...but...with the name Kami Electronics??

The other day, wen we were on our way to Toonz, Camp...the rick stopped at a traffic light. Though it was a junction, not a single car was crossin anywher...So, this obviously set our leader thinking..Y dont any of the cars cross?????? COz....no one else is doin it...Wow!! aint that gr8???

So...as the idea bore fruit...and as he took me on a looong walk on M.G Road (without tellin me we had crossed toonz already)...By the time i was hot and sweating, we had just passed by Kami Electronics...and i wuz dyin for the promised land (in this case, that chilled Foster's i was promised)... But the idea made sense..

The olde question again...Why the heck do we not do things coz others aren't...or to be more precise...Why do we do things coz others are??? I keep wonderin...do we set our own priorities, or do we just assume that since everybody else are doing things that seem important, they must be prioritized??

Well,.....i just dont feel like sayin anythin more on this...signin off.....and get dipsic!!